Part I of this file is an excerpt from a NASA debriefing following the infamous Milwaukee Incident. Part II is a document that a machine scavenged from the wreckage of the Fubu Spacecraft was displaying shakily.
PART I
Things did not go as planned.
Our best efforts to contact aliens, from the beaming of Beatles' songs into space to the probes prickling with information about the human race and our interests, had not seemed in vain when the Fubu arrived. They seemed to understand our culture, at least towards the beginning of its visit.
The Fubu Spacecraft was spotted at 3:58 AM EST over a small suburb outside of Atlanta, GA, and NASA officials were informed at 7:30 AM EST when sightings had already been reported over Russia, Kazakhstan, Rwanda, Belgium, and Brazil, in that order. Preparations were made, and the military was alerted to the Fubu presence. Administrators tracked it as it jumped all over the radar, finally slowing and settling over the bustling metropolis of Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
It hovered there for some time, providing the time for a necessary military and NASA presence. A large media convoy arrived shortly as well, but was dealt with by the local police and police from the surrounding area.
And then, at 11:30 AM, as the world looked on, the Fubu Spacecraft landed. It descended gracefully on the edge of Lake Michigan, extending a long walkway. A cordoned-off area with a 50-yard radius was immediately created around the end of walkway. A NASA administrator was placed in this area, roughly ten feet from the end of the walkway.
At 11:38 AM, the first Fubu stepped out.
(At this point the document includes a picture of the Fubu from a Milwaukee Newspaper and a photocopy of the Fubu File from the NASA records. The highlighted text is as follows.)
The Fubu are a sentient being from a currently unknown location outside of the Earth and also, most likely, the Milky Way. The Fubu are a grey, amorphous species. They use massive motile cilia for movement, though there has been some evidence to suggest that the cilia also serve to collect information about the environment. The Fubu also are able to survey their surroundings by way of at least one baseball-sized eye that is visible when the Fubu are upright (that is, when they plant part of their body and put the rest of their body above the planted section, growing in height but shortening in girth). The eye seems to function roughly the same as an animal eye.
(The document resumes here.)
The Fubu was awkwardly dressed into Western business attire. Its outfit featured a purple button-down shirt, a yellow and green polka-dot tie, and a brown plaid jacket (this outfit has led many to believe that the Fubu are, in fact, color blind). Both arms of the shirt had been filled; the Fubu seemed to have an enormous control over their membrane and the fluid inside, forming extra limbs at will.
The creature tumbled haphazardly down the stairs that extended from the spacecraft. It immediately stood up, its cilia bristling wildly, and examined its surroundings with its eye. It proceeded to shake violently, pause, and then begin moving towards the NASA Administrator.
The NASA Administrator, obviously nervous, did his best to be cordial as he extended his hand, welcoming the alien to Earth. The Fubu extended a cilia on an arm-like limb. The NASA administrator shook the cilia.
The cilia fell off in the administrator's hands.
The world froze. The Fubu bristled wildly, and then threw itself on top of the administrator. The military raised their weapons, waiting for an order.
There appeared to be a silent struggle going on. The Fubu, now completely enveloping the NASA administrator, shook wildly as the man he covered fought against the creature's rubbery grip. Minutes passed; the struggle continued.
The military officers refused to let their men fire. They had no way of knowing what was going on, and even if they did they would have undoubtedly hit the administrator as the bullet pierced the Fubu.
Suddenly, the Fubu straightened, revealing the red-faced administrator, frightened but apparently unharmed. The Fubu bowed gracelessly, and then proceeded once again to survey the crowd.
There was a stunned silence.
The Fubu bristled up again, and then, somehow, roared at the crowd. The noise was not deafening by any means, but it was certainly a roar.
The army opened fire. For ten seconds, every gun in the area was being fired at the Fubu, filling its body with lead.
There was another pause as the firing stopped, and then the Fubu turned suddenly around and climbed clumsily back up the stairs to its spacecraft
At 11:52 AM, three minutes after it had entered, the Fubu appeared once again in the door, fell hurriedly down the stairs, and once again faced the people of Earth. The alien no longer was wearing clothing. It paused for a second, bristled, and then ejected a large piece of metal from the top of its membrane.
The metal fell harmlessly to the ground.
With one more clumsy bow, the Fubu climbed back into its spacecraft. The stairs rose. The spacecraft departed at 11:58 AM.
At 11:59 AM, the military scrambled jets all over the United States. At 12:00 PM, a Medium Combat Aircraft shot down the Fubu Spacecraft over Athens, Vermont.
(The document ends here with a list of other files that relate to the incident, including the Fubu autopsy and the list of the contents of the Fubu spacecraft).
PART II
(Special thanks to the Language and Mathematics Departments at Dartmouth University for a mostly-accurate translation.)
FUBU MISSION FOR SENTIENT BEINGS; MISSION 9837; "EARTH"
DANGER: MEDIUM-HIGH
Earth introduced itself to the rest of the universe in a most curious manner. They launched vibrations of dangerously high speeds across the universe, exterminating a nearby Necklon Colony by disrupting electrical currents necessary for the movement of cellular fluid in the Necklon people. Necklons, working in conjunction with Fubu scientists, traced the origin of the message. The Fubu warned against direct confrontation. Necklons sent a scouting party, determining the atmospheric pressure to be too high for their species, but safe for ours. It was determined that the Fubu would send a diplomatic convoy, complete with specimens of Fubu DNA and rocks from the planet.
The convoy arrived on (at this point the document uses an indecipherable time and date system), at (time). The convoy scouted quickly, moving over the earth six times before settling over the apparent center of culture and learning, Milwaukee (mile-wow-KEE), Wisconsin (wizz-CAHN-sin), at (time). The ship descended, and the humans gathered around under the ship. Immediately, the class distinctions were made obvious, indicated by what the species of a creature known as "clothing" a human was living in symbiosis with. Those living in symbiosis with a green and brown creature were at the top of the heap; to denote their stature they carried large, black objects with a hole at one end (these objects were later determined to be used to deliver specimens of rock-like material at high speeds). Those living in symbiosis with some sort of curiously formed "business attire" species of clothing were next, and those with other species of clothing were below this class (this symbiotic relationship is interesting and must be studied further).
In order to humble himself, the primary diplomat decided to use the fabricator to emulate the middle-class. He created a thorough copy of the symbiont that lived in harmony with this class. Though it was something of an awkward fit, the diplomat did manage to fit into the copy that was fabricated.
He exited the ship at (time), made his way down the ramp, and greeted the humans with a traditional shaking of the (this word does not translate, but probably means "cilia"). He made a quick observation of his surroundings using his sensor. At this point, a human leader, who had been waiting at the bottom of the ramp, extended a limb in order to to exchange genetic material for study, and the diplomat complied by donating a sample. The human responded by holding still, presumably an invitation for the diplomat to collect DNA. The Fubu attempted to collect material, facilitated by the human moving his limbs wildly in attempt to allow the Fubu diplomat to remove a sample. The diplomat was unsuccessful, and decided to save the task of gathering the human DNA for a later mission. The diplomat verbally expressed his desire to exchange a sample at a later time.
It was at this point that the upper class used their black objects to exchange rocks from their planet. They courteously launched the objects into the Fubu diplomat. After they had completed, the diplomat re-entered the spacecraft to deposit the human sample of rock and to retrieve his own. He exited the spacecraft once again, donated a sample of rock, and then re-entered the spacecraft. He determined the mission to be completed, and decided that future expeditions could be outfitted with more specimens of the Fubu way of life in order to facilitate relations between the two species.
At (time), the spacecraft left Milwaukee and was immediately beset upon by an unknown species of Earth. The species delivered a number of explosive payloads to the Fubu craft, which was destroyed over an apparent cultural wasteland known as "Vermont" (FUR-mount).
OUTCOME: UNSUCCESSFUL.
ANOTHER ATTEMPT IS NOT RECOMMENDED.
THINGS DID NOT GO AS PLANNED.
When I was twenty I tried skateboarding with my eyes closed and fell down the flight of concrete stairs that leads up to the entrance of the quad. I blacked out and they took me to the hospital, and, since I was unconscious, the doctors figured out my name by rummaging through my wallet. Unfortunately for me, I did not have my driver's license in my wallet at the time. Instead, I had a fake ID. The doctors took the name the ID had on it - not my own - and, viewing hospital records, determined that I was someone who I was not. By some terrible twist of fate, this someone was not allergic to ketamine, a common anesthesia that I am actually extremely allergic to. I have a medical bracelet for it, in fact, but I never wear it.
